斷簡殘篇

上次有哈利波特，這次呢？哈利波特故事完結，再傷心的時候，還有甚麼能止痛忘憂？

 

連書寫文字的能力都喪失了！

 

Ingmar Bergman，這次，Ingmar Bergman的鬼魂陪著我。

 

把能借到的Ingmar Bergman電影又再看了一回。看完了電影，看Interviews，看拍攝記錄，看到三更半夜還睡不著。看Ingmar Berman的天才幻想化為影像，看電影中的鬼魂、過去和現實交錯，看屍骨未寒的Ingmar Bergman說戲執導，看栩栩如生的Ingmar Berman談生命死亡與愛情。有Ingmar Bergman為伴，好像可以暫時讓僅存的半個靈魂忘記傷痛。

 

在1999年，深居簡出的Ingmar Bergman偕同好友Erland Josephson一起接受瑞典TV4 Malou Von Sivers的採訪，談他們對生、死、愛、婚姻、家庭、罪惡感、宗教和電影戲劇等的看法。那時Ingmar已經82歲，在他死後看他當時談生死，有種Déjà vu 的錯亂感。

 

對於愛，Ingmar如是說：

 

I have always been deeply in love for as long as I can remember. It started with my mother. I was madly in love with my mother. She was so beautiful. But she had of course had a puritanical up bringing, so any tokens of affection were out of the question because I was a boy. But if you were ill—my mother was a trained nurse—so when you were ill, then she would let loose all her enormous love. No wonder I was ill all the time!

 

Ingmar常被指控為womanizer，共結過五次婚，還常和戲中女伶發生感情；與所謂＂伯格曼女伶＂之一的Liv Ullmann還育有一女。談起他的婚姻，Ingmar說，女人在他的生命中，通常只停留五年。(Woman in my life lasted about 5 years.)

 

直到Ingmar遇到最後一任妻子，Ingrid。

 

Ingmar: “But then I met Ingrid. That lasted 25 years. Then Ingrid died, or we would have carried on.”

 

“But in that Ingrid came to the decision that she wanted to marry me, all other traffic ceased.”

 

當Ingrid決定嫁給Ingmar時，其他女人和誹聞都停止存在了。

 

＂弱水三千，只取一瓢飲。＂不是因為只能取一瓢飲，不是因為沒有三千弱水在旁，而是因為終於尋到那一瓢對他而言是最重要最對味的甘泉，於是可以對其他三千弱水視若無睹。 ＂後宮佳麗三千人，三千寵愛在一身。＂不是因為唐明皇的情操有多高貴，而是因為他心裡只愛楊貴妃，其他金釵紅粉對他而言皆如糞土。

 

Malou Von Sivers問Ingmar:＂Was it true love, or had you matured?”

 

Ingmar: “It was true love.”

 

“Yes. And it was a matter of…I was fifty-two when we got married, and I was coming out of puberty then, pretty much. And this marriage, that I subsequently lived in, was immensely close. The funny thing was that Ingrid looked so much like my mother. That could have had some significant some how. We had such a deep understanding so that everything came together there.”

 

或許要等到四次失敗的婚姻，要等到Ingmar 52歲了，他才找到True Love，和她在一起25年，直到她得癌症去世。

 

Ingmar孤獨成性，與Ingrid親密生活25年後，雖然再次面對習慣的孤獨，但卻必須日日背負著失去Ingrid的傷痛。

 

Ingmar：”Solitude has never been a problem for me. But then I had those exceptional twenty-five years with Ingrid, where I came to experience something extraordinary: a close relationship. That could never be recreated. So now I have reverted to solitude. But to this I now have to add my sense of deep loss, because I carry that with me every day.”

 

談起死亡，Ingmar說他以前常和Ingrid談生前死後。”We had an agreement, we even used to joke about it, I would die first. Ingrid would sit with me and hold my hands. Ingrid would be the last person I saw. She was going to take over everything on the Faro, and everything was to go on as before.”

 

闔上眼睛離開人世前，能握住最愛的人的手，看著最愛的人，這是多麼幸福。真有如電影畫面。

 

人算不如天算。生離死別愛別離苦，大概是最難忍受的吧。

 

Ingmar: “And then this happened….Probably the cruelest thing to befall me in my life and which has crippled me. Ingrid suddenly died. Not suddenly, it took a year. To go on living now is for me so utterly irrelevant. I try…I try to fill in the gaps in my knowledge. I try to keep my life in order. I keep set hours. I get up at six in the morning. I work methodically until noon. Then there’s the theatre. I try to maintain a strict order. To me.. To me life itself is a heavy burden. That I’m never going to see Ingrid again… is to me deeply distressing. It’s a dreadful thought.”

 

Ingmar說，失去Ingrid讓他殘缺了！自此，生活變得無關緊要，他只是安排活動把日子填滿罷了。瑣事可以填補時間，工作興趣可以充實生命，但是失去最愛在心裡鑿出的空洞，終究無法彌補。失去靈魂伴侶的傷痛，或許可以減低，但終究無法消失。再說，如果真愛可以被其他感情取代，那麼，真愛大概也就不算真愛了。

對Ingmar而言，沒有Ingrid的生命成為沉重的負擔；想到再也見不到心愛的Ingrid，讓他深受煎熬。

 

“You see, I really felt that Ingrid was still there. I had an uninterrupted conversation going on with her. She wasn’t altogether gone, she was still near. But then notions of life and death as existence and non-existence clashed violently. That means I’ll never see Ingrid!”

 

Ingmar還是感覺到Ingrid就在身旁，也總是和她無間斷地談著話。但是想起一般認為生即存在，死即不存在，這表示他再也見不到已經不存在的Ingrid！

 

“Then Erland and I had a good conversation about it, which meant an awful lot to me. Erland asked:’what are your thought on the matter?’”

 

I said: “I’m very doubtful at the moment.” “But I think I’ll see Ingrid again. Because I do believe in other realities, I always have. I think I’ll meet Ingrid again. And Erland wisely replied: ’So affirm that belief.’ And that’s what I’ve been doing.”

 

他的好友Erland問Ingmar相信甚麼呢？Ingmar說，他想他會再見到Ingrid，因為他相信不同的時空現實是同時存在的。他的好友說，那麼，他就該常堅定這個信念。日後，Ingmar就是靠著這個可以與Ingrid再相見的信念過日子。

失去，可以用假想來暫且療傷止痛嗎？還是和他說著話，還希望接到他的信息，還指望能在佛前為今生再多求得一點點兒的緣分，再多求得一點點兒的時間。不是生死兩隔，總還有機會再相聚。不是不再快樂，不是不再相愛，為甚麼會分離？死別難解，或許虔誠祈求，生離，總還有復生的新機。假想...祈求...！比Ingmar多些希望啊！

 

Ingrid 1995年去世，採訪那時她已經走了五年了，但Ingmar依舊感覺沒有Ingrid的日子對他而言是沉重的。Ingmar去世的時候，Ingrid已走了十二年，這些日子，對他而言是多大的煎熬啊！

 

＂To go on living now is for me so utterly irrelevant.＂哀莫大於心死，生活對Ingmar已經無關緊要，猶如＂此去經年，應是良辰好景虛設。＂如此折磨，十二年就能解脫，算短吧！想想來日方長，現在失去最愛，無異是人生的無期酷刑！有減輕傷痛的解藥良方嗎？親情可以止痛嗎？三千弱水可以解渴嗎？死心癡情的曠男怨女，有幸遇到真愛，不幸分離，也就得咬牙忍住這死生為涯的苦楚。

至少，Ingmar可以和真愛Ingrid見面相守了！希望他們能夠見面啊！！

 

有Ingmar與我作伴，看他面對失去最愛的心情和調適，並沒有給我很大的安慰支持。想濫情如Ingmar，一旦遇到真愛，卻能相愛相守癡情到自己的人生盡頭，更添我許多感嘆。

 

這幾週來，儘量不用心不用情不寫文字不動真情緒，或許很多是真變成Irrelevant。

 

今日黃昏時，無助到希望能有個擁抱。貼著老公的胸膛，安靜到可以感覺他的心跳，腦海中冒出＂為甚麼不是你？＂流不出的眼淚，突然默默成行。